


How We Hurt

by BookshopLaura



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, M/M, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-26
Updated: 2014-04-22
Packaged: 2018-01-17 03:54:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 10,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1372957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookshopLaura/pseuds/BookshopLaura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Merlin feels he can't deceive Arthur any more, he braces himself to tell Arthur the truth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Revelation

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to get painful. Arthur is going to be very cruel. Sorry.

Merlin has been feeling terrible all week. Ever since Arthur said.

"Merlin, you don't have any secrets I don't know about. You're just not that interesting."

And Merlin was insulted, but also upset. Because Arthur, even in his teasing way meant it as 'I know you so well you can't possibly have any secrets from me' and he does and he knows Arthur will be upset and hate him and possibly kill him. But they are close, so close now. Merlin knows, most of the time, that he's more than just a servant. Arthur has shown he trusts Merlin, believes in him. So maybe if he's just honest then Arthur will understand, will accept him for who he is. And it niggles at him, far worse than before. So one day as he's pouring Arthur a goblet of wine he steels himself.

"Arthur."

"Yes Merlin."

"Arthur, there's something I need to tell you."

"Really?" Arthur turns to him with a look which says he expects a confession of incompetence from Merlin. Maybe a tear in his favourite shirt or having forgotten to send his armour to the blacksmith for repair. 

"It's... I have to tell you something. I should have told you a long time ago."

"Yes?"

Arthur's still looking expectantly at him, wide eyed, trusting, if a little mocking. Completely at ease. Unlike Merlin who feels like he's standing on the edge of a cliff and feeling the unbearable desire to both run back and jump off. His distress must be showing because Arthur sits back saying.

"Whatever it is, it can't be that bad. Spit it out!" He's frowning a little, his eyes moving over Merlin's face, searching for a clue. And Merlin's at the precipe, it's now or never. So he lets himself fall.

"I have magic, Arthur" there's a pause between the confession and Arthur's name. For a moment Arthur is silent then rolls his eyes.

"Merlin, if this is about you being boring then..." Arthur's words die in his throat as Merlin levitates his goblet of wine a few inches off of the table. Arthur doesn't look up, doesn't see the gold appear then disappear from Merlin's eyes. 

"Arthur, I'm sorry. I've wanted to tell you so many times. I tried so many times, but things happened and... I didn't want you to kill me then I didn't want you to hate me. I'm sorry... Can you forgive me?" Arthur's still sat staring blankly at the goblet of wine. He's paled a little, his whole face set, showing no emotion. For a few moments Merlin stands there in silence. 

"Arthur?" his voice sounds so small to his own ears. Even the crackle of the fire and sounds of the castle sound louder. 

"Get out." it's barely audible and it lacks all emotion. But the eyes that Arthur finally turns on Merlin are furious and frightened. Merlin looks around him, although he doesn't know what for. A reason to stay? An excuse? A rope to hang himself with?

"I'm sorry."

"Get out." Merlin turns and walks out of the room without really thinking about it. He's too busy thinking so many other things. He'd been wrong. So wrong. He shouldn't have told Arthur, he should have stayed quiet, kept lying, kept protecting Arthur in secret. Why was he so stupid? It was selfishness, he wanted recognition. He should have just kept his mouth shut. He heads back to Gaius'. Gaius is out tending patients. So Merlin sits at the table staring at the fire where his dinner is hanging gently stewing. He doesn't touch it, and after what seems like an eternity of sitting in silence and staring at a fire he gets up and goes to bed. Where it feels like he spends an eternity staring into nothing. He wonders at how ironically accurate it is that what's outside so clearly mirrors what's inside. He's done this, he's jumped off of the precipice and now he's still falling. He doesn't remember waking up, he doesn't remember if he slept, he certainly doesn't feel as if he has. He hasn't cried. He thought he would, but tears won't come. Just a gaping emptiness. 

He walks down to breakfast like he's walking to an execution.

"Merlin! Why are you still here? You should have been up hours ago! Arthur will be fuming."

For a moment, when he hears Arthur's name he thinks he will cry and maybe he nearly does, but then it's gone. Gaius watches him for a moment.

"Merlin? What's wrong?"

"I told Arthur."

"You told Arthur what?" asks Gaius, raising an eyebrow.

"The truth." He hears Gaius' intake of breath. 

"How did he take it?" asks Gaius, more quietly as if Merlin is an animal that can be spooked. 

"Told me to get out."

"What now?"

"I don't know."

"Well he didn't order the guards to arrest you, that's a good sign." Merlin forces a weak smile. After last night a show of anger and a night in the cells might have been preferable. 

"What will you do?"

"I don't know." And then the tears really, finally do fall.


	2. Chapter 2

Merlin spends the morning running errands for Gaius and trying not to think about how he's ruined everything. He returns from taking some remedies round to patients to find a guard waiting. Gaius is trying very hard not to look anxious.

"Yes?" he says to the guard, placing his things down on the table. 

"The king requests your presence immediately." says the guard and doesn't move. Clearly this isn't so much of a request as a demand. Merlin takes a minute to breath and compose himself, then turns to the guard and nods. The guard stands to let Merlin walk first. 

"No shackles then." jokes Merlin coldly as they walk. 

"The king said you'd come peacefully." says the guard without emotion. He's not someone Merlin's seen before.

"And if I hadn't?" asks Merlin, still walking.

"Then he said to kill you before you escaped." says the guard without emotion. Merlin falters in his steps. The guard shoves him forward and Merlin starts walking again. But he doesn't speak, he doesn't want to hear any more. He was so stupid to say anything. It doesn't even feel like it can be happening. He's walked these corridors, climbed these stairs so many times before. It seems unreal that this could be the last time. 

Merlin knocks at Arthur's door, almost the only time he's bothered doing this. 

"Enter." comes Arthur's voice from within. 

Merlin walks in, he's fiddling with the sleeves of his jacket nervously. Arthur looks up and the looks makes Arthur shudder inside. It's cold, detached. Angry Arthur, upset Arthur Merlin can deal with. But this Arthur has shut himself off. 

"Leave us. Wait outside" he says to the guard, then.

"Come here." it's an order. Merlin steps forward. 

"Arthur, I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I was sc..."

"You will be silent until I say you can speak." says Arthur darkly. And it's so far from 'shut up, Merlin' that it hurts. Merlin stammers but then closes his mouth. Arthur is silent for a moment, facing away from Merlin. Then he turns back.

"Tell me what your plans are." he says Arthur.

"Plans?"

"Don't play stupid! You haven't spent years trying to... worm your way into my confidences for nothing. Now tell me what you are planning." and now there's an anger beginning to show. 

"Arthur I haven't! I haven't got a plan!" pleads Merlin.

"I don't believe you!"

"Keeping you alive has been my only plan, I swear it!" says Merlin stepping forward. He's trying to catch Arthur's eyes. He wants Arthur to see that he's speaking the truth. But it isn't working. 

"I said I don't believe you!" says Arthur. And then he's marching over to the fire. And he's grabbing a poker that was resting in it. Why did he have poker in the fire? Why wasn't it hung at the side. Merlin only has a second to register the implications of that before Arthur is marching over and trying to grab his hand. Merlin backs away, looking at and Arthur wide-eyed.

"Arthur, please. Please don't do this." he pleads. But Arthur manages to grab his hand and pin it. And then all that Merlin registers is pain. Arthur is applying the poker straight to his palm. He's screaming and begging.

"Tell me your plans! Who are you working with!"

"Aaargh!! Arthur, stop it! Argh! You're hurting me! Please stop it, please!" 

"I won't stop until you tell me!" But now Merlin can't even form words. he's just screaming and kicking and trying to pull his hands away. Tears are flowing messily down his face as he tries to claw at Arthur's arm. 

Finally Arthur takes it away and lets go of Merlin's hand. Merlin is staring at his hand. It's a mess, Arthur has pulled skin away with the poker and now it's bleeding as well as burning hot. There's a smell of burning flesh. He stares at it for a minute then looks up at Arthur. He has turned away from Merlin, putting the poker back in the fire. Merlin's heart is pounding. Arthur will do it again. He clasps his hand to his chest and starts walking backwards, his eyes on Arthur. Arthur turns back, the poker still in the fire. He looks at Merlin for a moment.

"Don't look at me like that. You're a traitor, I needed to know." Merlin doesn't stop his slow walk back towards the wall, his eyes fixed on Arthur. 

"You're a sorcerer, it probably didn't even hurt!" Merlin panics as his back hits the wall. He turns his head a little then whips it back to keep his eye on Arthur. 

"You have magic, Merlin, just heal it." says Arthur walking over to him. But there's something in his voice, doubt maybe, realisation. But Merlin doesn't register it. Arthur's increasing proximity is making his heart race. He's sliding down the wall to kneel and putting his hands up over his face.

"I said heal it!"


	3. Chapter 3

Merlin practically runs back to Gaius's chambers. He storms passed Gaius, ignoring his shouts and locks himself straight in his room, pushing his bed against the door so that Gaius can't push it open. Then he sits against the wall at the opposite end of the room and tries to make himself as small as possible.

This isn't happening, can't be happening. Arthur is a good man, Arthur is Merlin's friend. He wouldn't do this, wouldn't hurt Merlin. Wouldn't knowingly hurt Merlin. But he has. He'd thought maybe Arthur wouldn't talk to him, lock him up maybe, maybe even sign his death warrant. But Arthur isn't cruel, isn't mean. He's just and fair. He's arrogant and annoying and can be very bossy. But he doesn't do this, he doesn't torture people. But he has. Which means only one thing. Merlin has destroyed Arthur. His confession has destroyed Arthur's trust in everyone and now Arthur has become Uther. It's all his fault, all his own fault. He's destroyed Arthur, their friendship, their destiny. He's doomed Camelot. All because he was too selfish to just keep quiet. Merlin's thoughts run round like this for hours until he falls asleep crying against the wall. 

\---

It's early afternoon when Merlin wakes. He's stiff and his eyes are swollen and his nose is blocked. His sleeves and the front of his shirt are damp and he needs to go and serve Arthur. Arthur has ordered it. His heart starts racing again. He doesn't want to go anywhere near Arthur. The very thought of being in the same room with him is making his heart stutter and his stomach churn. He sits for a while trying to control his breathing, then gets up. He drags his bed just far enough away from the door to let him slide out. 

Gaius is awake when he gets downstairs. Dragging the bed probably woke him. He is watching Merlin questioningly.

"Do you want to tell me about what happened earlier?" he asks, raising an eyebrow. Merlin shakes his head, his eyes downcast.

"Merlin?" asks Gaius, unfolding his arms and stepping away from the table. Merlin looks around, subconsciously rubbing his hand. He rubs the burn and a jolt of pain shots up his arm. He cries out and Gaius grabs his hand. He holds it open so that he can examine the wound.

"What's this? Who did this? Arthur? Arthur did this to you!" Gaius looks shocked. Merlin wants to defend Arthur. Because this isn't who Arthur is. But Arthur has done this. And although he doesn't nod, the look on this face tells Gaius all he needs to know.

"Merlin, please tell me this isn't true." Merlin just sobs.

"Merlin, this is very serious." Merlin nods.

"You need to leave. Today Merlin. No, don't shake your head. You aren't safe, this isn't right, you must see that!" begs Gaius.

"I can't leave, Gaius. He'll just... just hunt me down. He... he ordered me to carry on my d...duties."

"Merlin, what if he does this again?" Merlin shakes his head, trying not to cry. 

"I have to go, he'll be angry... I'm late." Gaius shouts after him, but he ignores him. 

\----

Merlin eases Arthur's chamber door open and creeps in. Every fibre in his body screams for him to run, to run and hide. To barricade himself in his room again. But he forces himself to enter, to walk over to where Arthur is sat at the table.

"Where have you been? It's been hours." states Arthur, looking up frowning. 

"I'm sorry, Sire. Did... did you want me to... help you change for dinner?" Arthur is watching him like a hawk and it's unnerving. Then he shakes his head. 

"No, I'll have my dinner here, Merlin." Merlin barely stays to hear the end of his orders before he runs from the room. He pauses in the hall to regain his composure, then walks down to the kitchen. He tells himself he's walking slowly so as not to arouse suspicion, but he puts off the moment of return as long as possible. Carrying Arthur's tray is agony, no way he holds it is comfortable. He walks slowly back into Arthur's chambers backwards and places it carefully down on the table. He moves the contents off of the tray onto the table, but has to use just his fingertips, and even that is painful. He bites his lip as he does it, trying not to make a sound. All the time Arthur watches him. Merlin feels like a hunted animal, and as soon as it is set in front of Arthur, Merlin grabs the wine jug with his left hand and moves to stand as far behind Arthur as he can. 

For a moment Arthur turns, but not all the way around, watching Merlin out of the corner of his eye. Then he turns to eat. The meal is silent torture for Merlin. Will Arthur turn on him again, shout at him? Will he beat him this time? Or kick him or hit him? When Arthur has finished he motions for Merlin to clear the table. Merlin does so as quickly as possible. But in his haste he knocks over a jug. He scrambles to the floor to tidy it up as quickly as he can. Suddenly Arthur is beside him.

"Here, let me..." Merlin is on his feet and a few metres away before he realises it. His chest is heaving and his arms are raised. He's preparing to use magic. This time he's ready to defend himself. Except that Arthur is kneeling by the broken jug, holding a couple of pieces. He stands up, his gaze growing harder. 

"I thought I knew you, Merlin." he says coldly.

"Thought I knew you too." says Merlin blinking back tears. Arthur's face falls. Merlin slowly lowers his hands and his eyes and steps timidly forward to finish tidying the broken jug. He doesn't look at Arthur again as he carries the dinner things out. Arthur doesn't move for a long time.


	4. Chapter 4

When Merlin returns to check on Arthur before bed, which takes a great deal of will power, he finds Arthur already dressed, standing by the window looking out. Merlin sets about quietly picking up the clothes that Arthur has dumped around the room. As he moves closer to Arthur, Arthur turns his head slightly, then turns back towards the window. His hands come to rest at his sides and his head is hanging. Merlin reaches for the last shirt, which is on the floor by Arthur.

"I had to do it, Merlin, I had to be sure."

Merlin freezes, his hand hovering above the shirt. He stays there, still, unmoving. Arthur starts restlessly moving his feet.

"I didn't want to Merlin, I didn't enjoy doing it. But I'm the king. I have to think of the kingdom. I had to know, had to be sure."

Merlin, shaking slightly, finally forces himself to pick up the shirt and stand up. He takes a few steps back. Arthur turns to look him in the eye. He looks tired, confused, upset. But not regretful. He doesn't regret hurting Merlin. Merlin breaks eye contact to look down.

"Will that be all, Sire?" he asks with as little emotion as he can.

Arthur's still looking at him, although he can't see him. After a few moments he says.

"Yes... yes Merlin, that will be all, thank you." And Merlin leaves as quickly as possible.

\---

That night Arthur dreams. He's in the dungeon, and Merlin is there, chained to the wall.He's crying, calling out to Arthur for help, pleading with his eyes, begging for mercy. But Arthur has a brand in his hand and is walking towards Merlin without hesitation. Merlin's cries become more fearful, more panicked. His eyes are wide with horror and disbelief and he's trying to back against the walk behind him, as far from Arthur as possible.

But then Arthur is pressing the brand to his chest, his heart. And Merlin is screaming. Screaming in agony. Arthur wakes with a jolt yelling Merlin's name. For a moment he tries to remember what happened. It was only a dream, just a dream... no... no it wasn't just a dream, not all of it. Those screams are memories. He heard Merlin beg for mercy, can hear him now over and over in his head. And he ignored him and hurt him more. No, Arthur had to, he needed to. But he can still hear Merlin screaming and it's getting louder and louder. It tugs at his heart, do something, help him, please. He pulls his pillow over his head, trying to muffle it, repeating 

"I had to, I had to, I had to" over and over, but it doesn't help, he can still hear the screaming. It's hours later, when his pillow is sodden and his throat is raw from crying that he falls into a restless sleep. 

\---

In the morning Merlin wakes him hesitantly. He's nervous and he's not meeting Arthur's eyes still. And his hand is bandaged. Gaius will be livid, and it strikes Arthur that if he's ashamed of Gaius knowing he did it, he should be ashamed of doing it at all. But, he's still telling himself he needed to do it. As heartbreaking as it was, it proved Merlin's innocence. But he's lost Merlin's friendship and that's painful to accept. Merlin's set up breakfast silently before Arthur woke and now he goes to leave as soon as Arthur has sat down to eat.

"Merlin, wait, please." Merlin stops like Arthur has shot an arrow through him and turns around slowly.

"I... Merlin, I'm sorry... I didn't have any other choice, I..."

"You didn't have a choice but to torture me?" Merlin feels reckless. Arthur's been so docile, so tame recently, almost like before. But he could turn again, at any minute.

"I... it wasn't... I know it hurt but..." When Arthur looks up, Merlin's face says everything, it's almost blank, but there's a hint, a flicker in the eyes, a twitch in his lip.

"Is it... is it really painful?" Merlin's look suggests that Arthur didn't need to bother asking.

"Can I see it, please?" Merlin immediately brings his left hand to cover his right.

"I promise, I won't hurt you again." He never thought he'd need to say that to Merlin. He never thought he'd need to, but how could he have known? Merlin walks over like he's walking at a funeral and slowly sits down, watching Arthur warily. He puts his hand on the table, then slowly opens it, wincing slightly. Arthur brings his hands forward to undo the bandage, and Merlin flinches back, so Arthur pauses with his hands up. Eventually Merlin returns his hand to the table and slowly Arthur lowers his hands and begins to undo the bandage. It takes a while, but then he's peeling back the last piece covering the wound and Merlin is wincing again.

"I'm sorry." he says. Merlin isn't looking at him.

The wound is atrocious, most of the skin of the middle of Merlin's right hand has torn away. The wound is weeping yellow puss and the whole hand is swollen from it. It isn't helped by the greenish cream that Gaius has applied.

"I... I didn't realise it was that bad." says Arthur, feeling sick to the stomach. His dream was right. Merlin had screamed in agony.

"You didn't care." says Merlin quietly, a slight flicker of his eyelids the only sign of emotion.

"I... " He wants to say he's sorry, but Merlin hasn't finished. he stands up, still only showing a little of the emotion he feels. 

"That's... that's what hurt most. You were my friend and you hurt me and you didn't care. Burns heal. But you can't even say you were wrong." Merlin waits. He doesn't want to be there, but he wants Arthur to get it. He waits for what feels like an eternity as Arthur stares at the point where Merlin's hand was. And then he turns and leaves. The door slams shut just as Arthur looks up to speak.


	5. Chapter 5

First a day, then a week, then a month go by. Merlin only speaks to Arthur when he has to, is only in Arthur's presence when his duties dictate he must and only makes eye contact once, and that by accident. Merlin refuses to discuss his torture again, just walks out of the room, even when Arthur's trying to apologise. And Arthur feels hollow, helpless. After a week Merlin stops wearing the bandaged and Arthur tries to see how the wound is healing every time Merlin serves him, but Merlin is not willing to show him. His hand is healing but the damage to their friendship seems irreparable. 

Arthur thinks he needs to do something, to show Merlin that he really is sorry, that he really does want to go back to the way things were. He'll always feel this guilt, he knows that now. He knows the dreams he has where he hurts Merlin again and again will always haunt him. But Merlin hating him is unbearable. 

So he decides one day to show Merlin just how repentant he is. He places the poker in the fire and waits. Doing it again makes him feel sick. To think he was so paranoid, so fearful of Merlin to have planned to do this to him makes him physically shudder. Merlin has magic, but he is... he was Arthur's friend. Had been so unprepared for Arthur's attack that he'd let Arthur do it. Arthur pokes the poker into the fire viciously to dispel the thoughts. Then he pulls it out of the embers a little. It's glowing a warm orange. His heart beat is quickening. But he will do this, if it means Merlin finally sees that he means this. So he takes the poker out of the fire and places it tentatively on his left palm. He pulls it away sharply as the pain jolts through him, but he steels himself and applies it to his palm again. Within seconds his brow is sweating and he's making incoherent noises in the back of his throat. He tries to hold it for as long as he remembers holding Merlin down, but it's not more than ten seconds before he's flinging the poker back in the general direction of the fire. He hasn't broken the skin of his hand like Merlin did, but almost as he watches a blister begins to form. And it's beyond any pain he's felt before. He curls in on himself clutching his hand and waits.

\---

Merlin appears with lunch about ten minutes later. He places the tray down on the table and glances up at Arthur who's sat by the fire. He's turned away from Merlin, sat hunched over. And then Merlin smells something, like burning. The burning of flesh. Merlin wants to vomit. He steps away from the table. Arthur is making strangled noises, like he's crying. Merlin nervously walks around the table and over to where Arthur is sat. He notes the poker on the floor by the fire and his heart flutters. He closes his eyes for a moment and hopes he's wrong. Arthur's sat clenching his wrist. When he looks up at Merlin it's wide eyed, and his eyes are red from crying. Merlin steps forward a little to look at his hand. There's an angry, blistered mark across the middle of his palm. And Merlin feels angry. 

"Sit at the table" he says without emotion, walking away to collect the basin of water on the side. He places it on the table and holds out his hand for Arthur to give him his own. Then he starts scooping water up and pouring it gently over Arthur's burn. Over and over.

"Merlin?" Arthur's voice sounds small and scared. Merlin doesn't reply.

"I'm sorry Merlin. I really am. I've been trying to show you..."

"And that's what this is?" snaps Merlin. 

"... yes?" says Arthur uncertainly. This isn't how he'd imagined it.

"You wanted me to pity you because you hurt yourself. Well I don't. You chose to hurt yourself, just like you chose to hurt me. And now, like before, I'll have to deal with the consequences. Which will be washing your hand and changing your bandage every day for at least a week. And I'll have to spend more time in your presence when that's the last place in the world I want to be..." Merlin's anger finally deflates. He lets go of Arthur's hand.

"I need to go and get the lotion for your burn." he says without emotion, then walks out. The walk to and from Gaius' chambers gives Merlin time to think. Gaius is concerned when Merlin asks for the lotion, and seems to be searching Merlin for a burn. When Merlin says it's for Arthur, Gaius raises an eyebrow, then hands him the lotion and some bandages without a word. As Merlin walks back he knows he was harsh. What Arthur did was terrible, but is it unforgivable? Arthur is sorry, has been trying to tell Merlin for weeks, even if Merlin was too fearful to let himself hear it. He doesn't know if he can trust Arthur again. He eases the door to Arthur's chambers open. Arthur's still sitting at the table. He's staring at the space in font of him, shell shocked. 

"I've got the lotion, sire." says Merlin softly. When Arthur looks up at Merlin, Merlin thinks he can see Arthur's heart breaking.

"You... you don't have to do that, Merlin. I can apply it myself." says Arthur, sitting up a little. 

"You can't bandage it yourself, sire." says Merlin, because even though Arthur's been terrible, and even though today he's been an idiot, Merlin doesn't hate Arthur. He begins to apply the cream as gently as he can. 

"You're never going to call me Arthur again are you?" says Arthur without hope. Merlin picks up the bandage and starts wrapping Arthur's hand. Because he can't answer him. Because he doesn't know. Arthur doesn't look up again.


	6. Chapter 6

The next week is strained. Merlin feels like he's tiptoeing around Arthur. But not like before. His fear has almost disappeared. This Arthur is not the cold hearted man who'd taken a poker to Merlin's hand. He can see that maybe Arthur's reaction, however twisted, had been out of fear, out of panic. Even if he can't bring himself to forgive Arthur yet, he can see that Arthur is sorry now, wishes it had never happened, is desperate for reconciliation. Even if he's walking around with a face that reminds Merlin of a kicked puppy. It would be so easy to forgive him if Merlin could forget. But he can't. He still dreams, sometimes, of Arthur looming over him, poker in hand. He still sometimes finds his heart beating a little to fast sometimes when he goes to serve Arthur.

The worst is when he walks into Arthur's chamber to find Arthur stoking the fire. He drops the tray of food he's carrying and runs into the table in his attempt to flee. Arthur isn't far behind, trying to reassure Merlin, tell him he was just stoking the fire, nothing more sinister. But it doesn't help, and in the end Arthur has to back away, feeling helpless. Merlin considers apologising, but then realises he shouldn't need to. He makes a great effort to hide his anxiousness when he serves Arthur later that night. But he can't help the slight flinch when his fingers brush Arthur's as he passes him his cup. 

\---

Arthur is thinking of that incident the next day when he returns to his chambers. But his eye and attention is caught by something he doesn't recognise on the table in front of him. It looks like a rounded stone, but when Arthur gets closer he can see lines and markings on it. He picks it up and he can see it's runes, and as he holds it the runes light up in gold.

"I'd be careful what you do with that, if I were you." Arthur whips around, cursing that his sword is on the other side of the room. In front of him stands a man in a long red robe, with black hair and brown eyes. He looks young, but his eyes suggest great age, and aren't particularly friendly.

"Why?" asks Arthur, frowning. 

"Because that stone will dictate your fate, Uther's son." says the man calmly, without fear. 

"How?" asks Arthur

"You have a choice, keep holding the stone, or let it go." says the man lightly. 

"What will happen if I put it down?" asks Arthur tentatively.

"One hundred years of plenty, peace and prosperity. All men will respect you."

"Merlin?" says Arthur, before he can think. 

"He will adore you. He will love you and serve you with never ending loyalty. But he will suffer greatly for it."

Arthur looks down at the stone.

"And if I keep holding it?"

"It will burn with a pain more brutal than any you have felt. It could even kill you. Camelot will be left to face whatever threats await it."

"And Merlin?"

"He will hate you." Arthur blinks at the bluntness. It's hard enough with Merlin calling him Sire, but Merlin despising him sounds unbearable.

"But will he suffer?" he asks, because when it comes down to it, that's what he needs to know. 

"No. No more than any other mortal suffers." says the man, regarding Arthur sternly. But now Arthur knows this, his decision is made. Arthur can't hurt Merlin, can order suffering on Merlin, even for all the benefit to Camelot, even for Merlin to forgive him. Because that forgiveness, that love wouldn't be real. And because Arthur's already hurt Merlin once, he won't do it again.

"I will hold it." he says firmly. 

"An interesting choice." says the man, mildly surprised.

"But we will soon see what decision you really make." he continues, and then promptly disappears. Almost immediately the stone begins to warm. Within a few seconds it's as hot as the poker was and soon it's worse. 

\---

When Merlin walks into the room half an hour later carrying some clean laundry, Arthur is doubled over. He's clasping what appears to be a red hot ember or a red hot stone, and he's moaning pitifully. Merlin's first thought is

"No, not again."

He runs forward, dropping the laundry, and kneels by Arthur's side.

"Sire, Let it go." Arthur doesn't react.

"This isn't helping. Hurting yourself won't make things better... " begs Merlin, his heart racing. He doesn't know if it's fear of Arthur or for Arthur. 

"Please, just let it go." Merlin tries to prize Arthur's fingers away from the stone, but it's really hot and Arthur's grip on it is like a vice. Arthur's forehead is breaking out in beads of sweat and his eyes are screwed shut, his teeth gritted.

"Arthur, please! If you let go I promise I'll... I'll call you Arthur... Please, Arthur." Arthur looks up at him with pained eyes. He looks hurt and afraid. But shakes his head back and forth, rolling it on the stone floor, tightening his grip on the stone. 

"Arthur, I'll forgive you, I will, just let it go!" Arthur shouts out loudly, incoherently. He twists and writhes, but as much as Merlin tries he can't tear Arthur's hand open. And when Merlin tries again, tears pouring down his face, Arthur shouts out.

"No! No!" 

"Stop it, Arthur, stop it! Let it go! Let me help you! Please!" Arthur just shakes his head, muttering.

"No, no, no." seemingly without hope. Merlin snaps, shoving Arthur as he shakily shouts. 

"Fine! I won't forgive you! You're selfish, self centred and self pitying! I won't try and help you any more and I hate you! I hate you!"


	7. Chapter 7

Merlin slams the door to Gaius' chambers open.

"Arthur's burnt himself with an ember, and won't let me help him. So I don't care any more." and with that he storms up to his room and locks himself in. Gaius hears the scrape of wood on wood as Merlin pushes the bed in front of the door again. Gaius breaths deeply, then goes to his medicines and locates the lotion for burns, some bandages and a bowl of water.

\---

When he enters Arthur's chambers he finds Arthur curled up on the floor facing away from him. Gaius puts the things down on the table and walks over as quickly as he can. Kneeling down to examine Arthur is difficult, Gaius isn't as young as he once was and his joints certainly aren't as flexible as Merlin's. Arthur's eyes meet Gaius'. He looks scared and upset. His brow is dripping with sweat, his hair soaked and he's shaking slightly.

"Arthur, what have you done?" asks Gaius sympathetically.

He turns to look at Arthur's hand. Arthur's still holding something loosely, a small stone. Very carefully, so as not to hurt Arthur, Gaius begins to peel back Arthur's fingers. Inside Arthur's hand is a mess, but it doesn't look like Gaius expects it to. Around the main burn there are strange marks like lightening jolting outwards. On the palm some areas are more burnt than others, in thick lines like someone has whipped Arthur's hand with a birch twig. Gaius adjusts his spectacles to see more clearly and thinks he can make out smaller lines criss-crossing the large lines.

"What's this?" he asks, and very slowly lifts up the stone to examine it, it's slightly warm still. He holds it up to the light and can just about make out runes and markings on rings that wind around the stone. His expression darkens with recognition.

"Arthur, this is a testing stone..." He looks down. Arthur is looking at him weakly.

"Guards! Help me get the king onto the bed!"

\---

Gaius washes the wound, which even after half an hour of cool water running over it still feels hot to the touch. He tries applying the burn lotion and notes the way that Arthur squirms in discomfort. He bandages it at first, but then Arthur is clawing at the arm and crying out in pain as if he's being burned again. When Gaius removes the bandage the lines like lightening are creeping further over Arthur's hand and beginning to move up the arm. The ends of his fingers are turning black too. So Gaius returns to continually washing and that stops the lines from growing any more. But he decides he needs to stay the night as he has to repeat the process every half an hour to stop it getting any worse. 

"Do you want me to send for Merlin?" asks Gaius as Arthur lays there weak. Arthur shakes his head, then tries to speak. It's stuttering and painful to watch and hear, but Arthur says.

"No point. Hates me. Will always hate me."

"He wouldn't hate you if he knew the truth. I know little about these stones, Arthur, but I know they don't give you much choice. He's only upset because..."

"Said he'd hate me. Said he wouldn't suffer."

"You aren't making any sense. Merlin said..."

"The stone. Said Merlin wouldn't suffer."

"That's what would happen if you let go? Merlin would suffer?" Arthur nods painful.

"And he'd hate you." Arthur shakes his head.

"I don't understand. He'd hate you if you kept holding it?" Arthur's crying as he nods. Gaius closes his eyes in understanding.

"That's a cruel test. His welfare or his care for you."

"But I did it. He's safe. Won't suffer." There's a little pride in Arthur's voice and Gaius nods. 

"If he knew the truth..." says Gaius, but even as he says it he knows that there's every chance Merlin won't care. Because that's how these spells work, sometimes. So he doesn't argue when Arthur shakes his head again. But he does tells the guards to let Merlin know he won't be returning. He hopes Merlin will sense the seriousness of situation and will care enough to come come and join him. Merlin doesn't come. Gaius can tell Arthur wants him there though, by the way he tries to stare straight at the ceiling, but then every now and then glances to the door. And when it stays firmly shut a look of hurt crosses Arthur's face. Neither of them get much sleep.

\---

By the morning the hand has seemed to cool and stay cooled, so Gaius returns to his chambers to rest. He enters to find Merlin eating breakfast. His eyes are a little red, but otherwise he looks composed. Gaius pulls over his bowl of porridge and begins to eat, waiting for Merlin to ask about Arthur. Which he really hopes he will. Because in any other circumstance Merlin would. And then Gaius can hint at what has happened and Merlin can go and insist on knowing the truth. That's how these things work. Then he hasn't broken his word to Arthur either.

Except that Merlin doesn't ask. He eats his meal in silence, wishes Gaius a good day and then leaves. Gaius is shocked at Merlin's lack of concern, even if he had half expected it. It's so unlike Merlin. The spell must be strong. He rests his head on his palm for a minute, then heads to bed to rest. He is woken a couple of hours later by a guard. Arthur has gotten worse again.


	8. Chapter 8

It's been a week since Merlin last saw Arthur. Gaius is angry at him for not going to see Arthur, he can tell. He hasn't said anything, but every now and then he'll pause as he's going out to treat Arthur, watching Merlin expectantly. Then he'll frown a little, twitch his lip and leave. It's infuriating. Merlin glances over at Gaius' lotions. He's certainly using a lot of burn cream and bandages. Merlin feels his heart skip a little. Arthur's burn must be bad, probably infected, if it's taking this long to heal. Merlin probably should see Arthur at some point, the longer he leaves it the meaner he feels.

"Arthur deserves it! Arthur needs to learn! He's just selfish and attention seeking! He's probably not even that hurt." it's like a chant, being repeated over and over in his mind. And it makes sense. Arthur has been terrible. Merlin drags his eyes away from counting the bottles of lotion and concentrates on reading his spell book. Now that Arthur knows he has magic, Merlin doesn't feel the need to hide it any more. Almost as a form of defiance, he is spending most of his spare time studying and practising. Today he's started on enchanted objects. The chapter begins with stones then moves onto famous swords and caskets, etc. It's boring, but he's determined to finish it before he starts any of his chores for Arthur.

Because he is still Arthur's manservant.

"I'm already doing too much for Arthur. Just changing his bedding is too much, let alone tidying his desk and cleaning his shoes. Really I should leave. Just walk out, leave Camelot." It feels like Merlin is speaking to someone in his mind. It makes sense really. 

But Merlin doesn't, because he has a destiny. Even if it is to Arthur.

"Who is a monster." his head reminds him.

And Arthur has regretted it, has shown remorse. Tried to make atonement, even if it was misguided.

"He's selfish, arrogant. He only ever think of himself!"

His thoughts are so loud he can almost hear them. He thinks perhaps he's wallowing in his upset too much, maybe tomorrow he will check on how Arthur is doing.

"He doesn't deserve even that." it's bitter and almost painful, but Merlin's hurting so of course it makes sense.

Eventually he finishes the sections on stones and realises he can't put off his chores in Arthur's rooms any longer. So he sighs with frustration, closes his book, slamming the pages shut and leaves. When he arrives Arthur is in the chamber, his hand being tended by Gaius. Arthur glances up when Merlin enters. His eyes alight with hope when they meet Merlin's, although he doesn't say anything. Merlin glares at him until the hope dies and his eyes drop, then he starts to tidy. At first Merlin concentrates on tidying Arthur's desk, not looking up at Arthur. Now that he's here with Arthur his thoughts seem even more hostile. Arthur's assault rises fresh in his mind, but Merlin doesn't feel fear. The blood pumping through his veins is hot with anger and he thinks, 

"When I look up I will see Arthur and I will hate him. Maybe I'll hit him, maybe I'll kill him." But when he glances up Merlin sees how pale Arthur is, and how hopeless he looks. His eyes are red, his cheeks drawn. He's not crying, but Merlin thinks he looks like he doesn't have any tears left. It's so far from the strong, proud Arthur he knows. It's hard to hate a man who so resembles a ruin. And yet the voices spewing venom against Arthur are only getting worse. He tries to ignore them as he notices the burn on Arthur's hand, and arm. It's not normal, Merlin knows that much. The marks look like Arthur is made of pottery that is cracking, or leather that is wearing out. Like lightening creeping up his arm. That isn't right. And he thinks he should know this, know what this means.

His mind feels like a battlefield. Merlin is not cruel, he's not unkind. He doesn't glory in the suffering of others. And yet the voices in his head scream that Arthur deserves this, that Merlin should leave now, just walk away. Maybe even go and hurt Arthur further. Merlin is not vindictive, he won't do it. And he can't ignore the strange marks taking hold of Arthur, he can't, he won't. While he thinks he continues cleaning without even realising it, stripping the bed.

He picks up Arthur's pillow, throwing it aside, and is about to pull at the bed sheets when his attention is drawn to the stone below. It is covered in runes, criss crossing like it's wrapped in a thin ribbon. And Merlin recognises it. He's studied it only this morning. It's a testing stone, Arthur was holding a testing stone. The marks make sense now. Why Arthur kept holding it makes sense now.

He picks it up and it glows. A young man appears. Gaius and Arthur don't see him, they don't look up. Gaius is concentrating on Arthur's bandage, and after Merlin's initial glare, Arthur is staring vaguely down at nothing with a vacant look which sends a shiver down Merlin's spine.

"I would think before putting that down if I were you."

Gaius and Arthur still don't look up. The voices are screaming at him now, but they aren't his voice, and he knows that now. Merlin turns to face the man. He's young looking. He eyes Merlin with arrogant curiosity. Like this is some kind of game. He's hurt Arthur for his own enjoyment. This creature, whoever, whatever he is has threatened Arthur, has tried to make Merlin hurt Arthur, has succeeded. 

"What was your test for Arthur?" asks Merlin, glaring. 

"Don't you want to know what will happen if you let it go?" asks the man, mildly surprised. 

"No, I don't. I don't care. But I do want to know whether if I destroy this stone, Arthur will be harmed."

"You hate Arthur!" says the man, and his voice sounds like the voices in Merlin's mind.

"No. You hate Arthur. And you've tried to make me hate Arthur." says Merlin bitterly. How dare someone, anyone try to do that. 

"If you let go of this stone, Arthur will die." says the man with more venom. 

"When? Tomorrow? In a year? Everyone dies. I won't play your games. What will happen if I destroy this stone?" 

"You can't destroy this stone, no one can!" says the man arrogantly. But there's a hint of uncertainty. 

"I have a test for you. Get out of my head and leave Arthur alone and I will spare you. Keep hold of him and I will destroy you." Merlin's voice is quiet by the end. Menacing. 

"You don't have that power, no one does." says the man mockingly, his nose crinkling in a sneer. Merlin quirks an eyebrow then his eyes begin to glow.


	9. Chapter 9

The pain is immediate, but Merlin focuses all of his magic, all of his will on the stone. He's concentrating so much that he doesn't realise he's making any noise until Arthur is by his side, Gaius not far behind.

"Merlin let it go."

"Let it go and I won't kill you" says the man's voice. But you will kill Arthur, he thinks. Whether I hold on or let go, somehow you will. And I won't let you. Merlin's fighting his mind and the pain, and it's the most pain he's ever felt. But he can endure it, because he must.

"Merlin, please, he's hurting you." A jolt of pain runs up Merlin's arm and the reflex to let go, to throw the stone is like the urge to breath when you're head is held underwater. But he won't, he can't.

"You can't kill me! I'll kill him first!" shouts the man, but there's real panic in his voice now.

"Get back, get away!" shouts Merlin at Arthur. Arthur looks hurt, upset. But he only makes it a few steps away before he's falling to the ground, screaming in agony himself.

"I can kill him, don't think that I won't." says the man darkly.

"That was a really stupid thing to do." says Merlin, turning a cold glare at the man.

"Merlin? What have you done to Arthur?" Gaius is standing over Arthur, concerned and confused. But Merlin doesn't have time to set the record straight. Squeezing the stone like sheer force will help, he focusses everything he has on it, his eyes for a moment tingeing orange then red. Then he's screaming out as he feels like he's torn in half and the stone explodes.

\---

Merlin comes round as Gaius shakes him. He looks up dazed, his mind foggy. His head is thumping, and as he puts his hand down to push himself up he shouts out in pain. His hand is burnt again, much worse than before. Much worse than when Arthur...

Arthur!

Holding his hand awkwardly to himself he crawls over to where Arthur lies, not moving on the floor.

"I've tried to wake him, but I've got no response." says Gaius behind him. He sounds serious. Merlin can't tear his eyes away from Arthur. He is pale and his eyes are staring upwards, his mouth open. There are little cuts across his face, tiny slices. Some have tiny pieces of stone in. He looks like a corpse and tears mercifully blur Merlin's vision.

"Arthur?" his voice is barely above a whisper. He feels drained and battered, but he shakily lifts his left hand to rest just over Arthur's chest and starts muttering. His first attempt has no effect. Arthur remains motionless. Merlin lets out a sob he can't hold back, then slowly brings out his right hand. It's a mess, and incredibly painful, but he rests that by his left hand over Arthur's chest and tries again. As he's trying his hands come to rest over Arthur's heart. When he feels a piece of stone lodged through Arthur's shirt, into his chest, Merlin stops. He glances up at Gaius, who shrugs. He doesn't know what to advise. So Merlin removes it. He does it quickly, his hand, burn and all, coming to cover the hole over Arthur's heart which is now bleeding profusely. Gaius has got up as quickly as he can and is handing Merlin some of the bandages to place over the wound. Then Merlin is pressing them down and trying the spell again. He doesn't know why, but he screws his eyes shut and repeats the spell over and over. His hands are almost clasped together over the bandages, Merlin feels like he's praying, or begging. At times like these he's not sure there's a difference.

It seems like it's been an eternity when he feels a hand rest on his arm consolingly. He lets out a moan. He won't stop trying, he won't let Arthur die here. Whatever he's done, he's better than this, he's shown he knows he was wrong. And he's Merlin's friend, his best friend. Merlin pulls away from the hand, tears pushing through his tightly shut eyelids. He grips the bandages even more tightly and begs any god that exists to have mercy. It wasn't supposed to end like this. He was supposed to defeat the man or creature in the stone and save Arthur, like he always did, like he was supposed to. Arthur was supposed to live and be sorry and then go back to bossing him around like normal. And Merlin would moan and disobey him and call him clotpole and they'd be best friends again. But Arthur's dead, and it's Merlin's fault. He falls forwards, his forehead resting on Arthur's chest as he sobs hopelessly.

"Merlin?" The voice is not Gaius'.


	10. Chapter 10

When Merlin sees Arthur's conscious eyes studying him, the relief almost makes him choke. It's only his concern for Arthur's health that keeps him from throwing himself on Arthur and embracing him. But he does resist, because Arthur isn't well. He motions for Gaius to replace him, keeping pressure on Arthur's wound. Then he studies Arthur's face, he's pale, sweating slightly, but then Merlin places the back of his hand against Arthur's forehead. It's a little warm, but not enough to worry. He studies Arthur's hand. The dark red lightening lines remain but have turned pale, like scares. His hand is still red and throbbing. It's blistering and pussing a little. In that sense it isn't showing any signs of improving, but it may just be too soon to tell. He climbs away from Arthur, going over to the bed to get a pillow. When he gently lifts Arthur's head to place the pillow under it, Arthur's eyes search his.

"I don't want to move you until your chest has stopped bleeding." explains Merlin, quickly breaking eye contact. He can feel Arthur's eyes still on him. 

"Merlin..." says Arthur. When Merlin, chewing his lip, turns to face him, Arthur's face still looks confused, but he doesn't say anything. Merlin holds his gaze, unsure what Arthur's trying to say, or what he's trying to say back. Eventually, his cheeks burning, he drags his eyes away and starts cleaning Arthur's hand.

\---

Arthur’s hand heals nicely over the next week. Merlin wants to take over washing and dressing Arthur’s burn, but his own right hand is fully wrapped which prevents him helping. His hand is also healing well but Merlin doesn't pay it much attention. He’s impatient to return to work. Because there is still something unsaid between himself and Arthur. And Merlin knows he needs to say something, but he doesn't know what exactly. 

“I forgive you.” Well yes, he has forgiven Arthur. But he thinks, maybe more than that. Because every time that he’s been close to losing Arthur he feels himself getting closer and closer to something. To knowing something, to feeling something certain. But he’s so uncertain. And Arthur hasn't asked for forgiveness, at least with words, since Merlin’s return to work. His eyes still plead, when he dares raise them to Merlin’s. But there’s a fear in them that is so unlike Arthur that it shakes Merlin. Arthur is afraid of him. Afraid of his magic? After seeing what Merlin is capable of. Does he not trust Merlin? 

Merlin has only been working again for two days (Gaius wanted him to wait longer, but Merlin has never listened), and even fully bandaged he has to be careful that he doesn't put too much pressure on it. 

He enters Arthur’s chambers to find Arthur sat on the edge of his bed, left hand rubbing over the edges of the bandages on his right hand.

“Gaius won’t be happy if you start fiddling with it.” he says light heartedly. Arthur glances up, pulling his hand away guiltily. He doesn't smile. 

“Is it hurting?” asks Merlin, concern creeping in with Arthur’s uncharacteristic behaviour. 

“No, no Merlin, it’s fine.” Says Arthur frowning.

“You don’t sound like it’s fine.” Says Merlin, walking over and sitting beside Arthur. His arm brushes against Arthur’s, who turns to glance at Merlin’s hands in his lap, then turns to stare out into the room. 

“Arthur!” moans Merlin, then elbows him.

“Ow! Fine! It shouldn't be okay. I... I.”

“Why not? I forgive you!” says Merlin, almost like it was a secret.

“You do?” Arthur looks shocked, but then his brow furrows.

“That doesn't... I still did it, Merlin. I'm still capable... God, what if I did it again?” Arthur’s eyes are wide in terror. His hand has found Merlin’s knee and is digging into it with a vice like grip. 

“You wouldn’t.” Says Merlin, firmly. He’s not sure how he knows, but part of him does. 

“But what if I did?” cries Arthur. Merlin peals Arthur’s hand away from the fabric of his trousers then walks over to the fire. The poker sits there, in its holder, plain and boring. But his heart still races a little when his hand grips the stone cold of the handle, even through the softness of his bandages. Arthur’s eyes take on a wild, panicked look when he sees Merlin holding it. And Merlin has to take a breath before he mutters the spell which heads the end to a warm orange. Then he holds the hand out towards Arthur.

“What are you doing?” asks Arthur, his voice small. 

“Proving that you are a better man than you were.” Arthur shakes his head, but Merlin keeps holding it out until he gives in, reluctantly grasping the handle. 

“I released the dragon.” Says Merlin, and now his heart is beating so hard he can feel it in his chest. Arthur’s knuckles on the poker whiten and his face hardens.

“And I poisoned Morgana, before she became... And I killed your father...” Arthur is on his feet now, and he’s holding the poker like he’d hold a sword and this was such a bad idea. Merlin’s eyes are locked on the poker, his breathing deepening and his heart pounding on his ribs. 

“Why?” hisses Arthur, his teeth gritted. But the poker is by his side, not raised. 

“Why!” And this time it’s a shout so loud Merlin’s sure the whole castle heard, and he’s dropping to his knees because however brave he acted, now Arthur’s angry again and Merlin has literally handed him a red hot poker. He can’t speak, his head is rushing too much. 

“Merlin!” demands Arthur, but Merlin’s eyes haven’t left the red of the poker by Arthur’s side, and when Arthur takes a stride forward, Merlin curls in on himself, bring his hands over his head out of instinct. For a moment there is no sound. Arthur has stopped where he was. Merlin physically jumps when he hears a clang of metal on stone on what sounds like the far wall. Then he feels arms wrap around him.


	11. Chapter 11

“Merlin, I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I wasn’t going to use it! I promise!” It’s Arthur, just Arthur, hugging him close. There’s nothing in his hands except Merlin. Merlin feels his breathing even out.

“Why did you say those things?” he asks. And he knows what Arthur wants to hear. It was a test. Maybe he’ll pick the poker up again when he hears the truth. But he can’t hide it anymore.  
“Because they’re the truth.” Merlin’s voice is high and panicked. Arthur stiffens a little, and Merlin feels the sharp intake of breath by his left ear. He waits a little. Arthur hasn’t gone for the poker. He’s waiting for an explanation. He’s trusting that Merlin has one. 

“I freed the dragon because I said that I would, because he’d helped me. I tried to make him promise not to hurt anyone, but he did... he wasn’t supposed to, but he did. But I stopped him, when I could.  
I’m not proud of poisoning Morgana, but she... she was cursed, and everyone else was going to die if she didn’t. And I should have told her, I should have done things differently, but I didn’t.”

“And my father?” Merlin lets out a sob at the pain in Arthur’s voice and the pain of his own memory.

“I was trying to save him! But Morgana twisted my spell to make it hurt him! I wanted to save him, Arthur! For you! I really did!” finally Merlin looks up, hoping Arthur will see how much he means it.

“You were the old man? You were trying to help?” Arthur doesn’t sound completely convinced.

“Yes! It was a healing spell, it was supposed to work. But he was wearing a talisman. Morgana had planted it, I didn’t realise. It corrupted the spell.” Arthur seems to think about it, his arms still loosely sitting on Merlin’s shoulders, his eyes studying Merlin’s, who holds his gaze. 

“Do you believe me?” asks Merlin, still holding Arthur’s gaze.

“Yes.” Says Arthur. It sounds a little tired, but it sounds heartfelt. Merlin leans forward and buries his face against Arthur’s shoulder, crying lightly. Maybe it’s the fear working itself out, maybe it’s relief. He doesn’t know, he doesn’t care.

“You should have told me. Long ago.” Says Arthur, no longer hiding the hurt in his voice. Merlin burrows his face into the crock in Arthur’s neck.

“I know! I’m sorry! I was scared!” Merlin feels Arthur arms, still wrapped around his arms tense. 

“And I just proved you were right to be afraid.” Says Arthur sadly. Merlin shakes his head, rubbing against Arthur’s shoulder. It feels soothing, he thinks, to be this close. It feels safe. And he’d been right, he can trust Arthur now. He turns, his head still resting on Arthur’s shoulder, to look at him. 

“I wasn’t afraid you’d hurt me... I was afraid you’d hate me.” Arthur’s eyes blink with disbelief, and for a moment he is dumbstruck. His eyes roam Merlin’s face, and then his fingers are brushing over Merlin’s brow and cheek. It’s a little awkward, his left hand unused to taking the lead. 

“That’s what mattered to you?”

“That’s what mattered most.” Says Merlin simply. 

“Until I...” Arthur’s brow has furrowed and his eyes drop and suddenly Merlin isn’t close enough. Maybe it’s the adrenaline, or the relief. And as soon as he does it his mind screams that it was a really stupid idea, but he tilts Arthur’s chin up with his hand and kisses Arthur on the lips. It’s not much. Arthur’s lips a dry and warm, but still. Arthur’s not moving. Of course he isn’t. When Merlin pulls back Arthur hasn’t moved, his eyes are still downcast. His arms round Merlin’s shoulders feel like lead and Merlin’s stomach drops. As a moment passes and Arthur still hasn’t moved, Merlin pulls out of Arthur’s grasp. 

He shouldn’t have done that, he doesn’t even really know why. Except that he does. He loves Arthur. He just wasn’t aware of it. And now he’s probably ruined everything. His hand is on the door handle when he feels a hand grab his shoulder. Then he’s spinning around. Arthur’s hands, one bandaged, one not clasp Merlin’s face. And those fierce blue eyes are studying his again. And Merlin’s lost in them, like they could see through him, could overpower him. And it’s almost painful to maintain eye contact and yet he can’t drag his eyes away. 

And then Arthur kisses him. Not like Merlin kissed him. Arthur’s kiss is deeper, more energy than ability. But it makes the point. 

“Could never hate you ...Bloody love you.” Breaths Arthur between kisses.

“Love you too.” Says Merlin smiling.


End file.
